no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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