I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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