Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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