He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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