ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
