Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
