I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He shit in the fireplace
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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