tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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