If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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