I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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