Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
