I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
