Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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