I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
