This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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