You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Randomize
