how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
