Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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