remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
