i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
