Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
