life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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