I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
