my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
