dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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