Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
