this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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