Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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