The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
