Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
