dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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