so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
