Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
