i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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