I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
