is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
