Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
