I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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