I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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