I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
