I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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