We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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