there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
