Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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