He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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