so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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