I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
