I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
