I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
