So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
