So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
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