Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
